Thoughts on Things From People: Almond Edition


Hannah Wyman, Overseer

Hello again! Welcome to the first print edition of the 2016-2017 Lancer Ledger! To celebrate publishing our very first (and very awesome, I might add) newspaper of the year, this edition of Thoughts On Things From People is especially fantastic. I kindly direct you to the following, which is a short and probably unnecessary preamble to this week’s feature.

So here’s the thing: I, personally, find that personifying inanimate objects is possibly one of the funniest things ever. And I’m not alone. In fact, comedians have entire routines set up around giving objects different personalities, thoughts, and actions. A favorite of mine is in Gilmore Girls when the characters talk about a bit that Lorelai does in which the pepperoni on her pizza is angry at the mushrooms because the mushrooms have an attitude. It’s all really great, trust me. The reason for this small backstory is because this week I told Mr. Moore to pretend that in a hypothetical situation he was an almond. As an almond I asked him to give me his inner monologue.

He said, “I don’t know what that means.”

Touché, Mr Moore.

I decided that since I love this question so much, I would ask not one but two people. Mrs. Zona, newspaper advisor extraordinaire, was kind enough to talk to me about almonds. I asked her what her thought process would be like if she were an almond.

With a laugh, Mrs. Zona exclaimed to me, “I would hope I was a salted almond. I wouldn’t want to be raw. I would want to be roasted. I would want to be salty, toasty, and tasty. I don’t know, I like almonds.”

Me too, Mrs. Zona.

Thank you for reading this edition of Thoughts On Things From People. It’s usually here where I foreshadow to next week’s thoughts but I’ll be honest with you, I don’t have any idea what’s going on yet. Don’t worry though, it’ll be wonderfully hilarious. At least I hope it will be. Like I said, I have no clue what we’re doing next week. Until then!